Common Concerns
Why didn’t my family try to find me?
During my childhood I thought that if my birth family wanted to find me they would know how to get a hold of me. I waited, just hoping that one day they would just call me up and pick me up from school. Well that didn’t happen. I just procrastinated until later in life to start my search. My birthmother actually tried to write me and find me when I was about seven or eight years old. During that time my adoption papers were being finalized. It’s entirely possible that someone knew about those letters but thought if they acknowledged them then the adoption would fall through. Reflecting on this, I’m now glad that everything worked out the way it did. I don’t think I would’ve been equipped to handle such trauma or pressure at a young age.
Understand that it is more difficult for birthparents to search than it is for an adoptee. They might only know some specific facts. Perhaps they don’t have the ability to pick up a phone and ask questions. They may not have the luxury to take up an English class to help improve their understanding of our lives.
My family actually had the address of my adoptive family when they first adopted me but somehow lost that information during the war. Life was not easy for them during the war. Survival and escape was on their minds constantly. The Vietcong kicked them out of their homes and they had to beg, borrow and steal to survive. They burned many documents and pictures out of fear of being associated with the Americans. I would recommend everyone looking and searching for their birth family to watch “The Fall of Saigon” or read books related to it. The history is rich with details that might actually have your dad’s name all over it. Understand the whole story. Understand why the war took place. Understand what we can do to make life better for the people of Vietnam.
Do you deny your desire to search?
When I was a younger, I was curious about my birth family but never really wanted to deal with my feelings. I thought I would hurt my adopted parents by starting a search. If you feel you have to start searching for your birth family, you should do so and talk to your parents about it. It is your life and your decision. You cannot ignore your birth heritage. I always felt there is a part of my life missing.
How fast can you gather all the information and find your birth parents?
It depends on what you information have already have. I obtained an adoption folder from my parents with my birth certificate, Vietnamese passport and official transfer documents. You also have to wait for responses from officials, the adoption agency or orphanage. I am actually glad that my search is going slow. It helps me to sort out my feelings and take it as easy as I possibly can. Maybe it is better than being overwhelmed by information and details. This journey is already very emotional. Do not get discouraged if you do not get your answers right away.
Educate yourself about the cultural differences.
Read a book, watch documentaries or surf the web about the Vietnamese culture. The more you know the better. You can not expect that your birth family will be prepared for the encounter once you find them. Be patient and respectful towards them. Keep in mind that they did not grow up with western culture values and behavior. A good idea might be to connect with your local Vietnamese community and get familiar with customs and culture.
Searching on location?
I am hesitant about searching on location. It is sometimes frustrating to be in another country trying to locate files from around 30 years ago. I doubt that any local officials would be able to find them within a day. You also have to find someone who can read and speak the language during the investigation unless you can do it yourself. From my perspective, it is my goal to prepare my birth family as well before I actually get to see them. Can you imagine the shock they might get if I would just show up at their place? Maybe I do have the chance communicate with them prior to the actual reunion. Remember, it is not only about you. A possible reunion has a great impact on your birth family as well. They are not looking for you; you are looking for them which they do not know yet.
Getting a travel visa for Vietnam
Whenever you are ready to go to Vietnam, make sure that you take care of all required travel documentation, such as visas, first. Here is a link of the Vietnamese embassy: Vietnam Embassy. If you have any further questions, you should definitely contact them.
Theory and Practice
You have to be open-minded at all times. We all would love to see a happy ending but that might not be the case. High expectations will hurt you rather than help you. I would encourage you to stay positive but be realistic about possible negative results. You are getting closure no matter the outcome.
I never believed in any counselors because many of them have never been in a situation like this. They studied psychology and social behavior but never experienced themselves what you are up against during the search. Phrases like “I know what you are going through.” or “I understand.” are very superficial.
Communicating with a fellow adoptee definitely can make you feel more comfortable. They will be familiar with the kind of inner struggle that comes with starting the search. Reading about reunions and search stories was very helpful. This search is a journey to your inner self. Now, I do understand who I am.
Torn between two families
Since my search is still ongoing, I do not know what to expect. Maybe someone who has already met their birth parents can give me any feedback on this issue.
Are we American or Vietnamese?
I know we were brought up as Americans but when you realize the struggle and pain the Vietnamese endured throughout history, then you can realize and understand who we really are. Vietnamese Adoptees are part of that history. We’ve been through a war. If we can stick together and make some sense of this whole thing we can make peace with ourselves and make a difference in the lives of others. Our efforts can bring about change. I encourage everyone to tell their own personal story about Vietnam. I’m proud of the people who fought in the war for South Vietnam, American and Vietnamese soldiers fought side by side for freedom. It intrigues me to hear stories of boat people escaping from Vietnam. I love hearing stories of how Vietnamese people struggled to make a living in the United States and saved enough money through hard work and determination to get their entire families over to join them eventually. I love hearing how the Vietnamese in the United States never forget the people in their homeland. They send hundred of thousands of dollars each year to support their families. If it wasn’t for the Vietnamese communities in the United States, Vietnam would be even poorer then it is today.
The End of the Road
There are many stories about adoptees who refuse to take no for an answer, continuing their search for decades until they finally locate their birth families. I would encourage people not to give up, but certainly to take a break from searching when necessary. Searches are draining. Be good to yourself. Pamper yourself while you search.
Your own search may take a day, a year, or a decade. But the reality is some searchers are never able to locate anyone. If this is your fate, to search without ever locating your roots, try not to despair. Your search for your origins has been a quest for self-knowledge, as well as a search for specific people. I believe if you try everything suggested, you will learn something about your roots. You will at least know part of the story. This enhancement of self-knowledge, while incomplete, is worth every moment you have devoted to your search. And perhaps the fact that you have tried against all odds to pursue this quest tells you as much about yourself as anything you will ever find.
